All the Time in the World

 

When I heard from our household head that our area coordinator in the lower north sector of the CFC-SFC is leaving for abroad, the only words that crossed my mind was “I thought I had more time.”

I thought I had more time. I did not realize how much I would regret taking a rain check for a sleepover with the two of them last December. I never expected that I would regret clamming up whenever she asked me questions because I thought we were in a rather public setting. I never thought I would regret holding back questions I would have popped up just because I was afraid what those questions would reflect about me, and who I am or how people see me. If only I were more forthcoming, more open, more accepting, more courageous…

Sayang. So many wasted opportunities. So many chances of getting to know a woman who is so spirit-filled and so blessed as Sis Tess is. I could have talked to her. I could have shared, really shared with her.

What held me back? Fear?Trepidation? The usual social- distance- rule engraved upon me from my rather dry and sterile background? Being too shy? Insecure?

Cold creature comforts tonight – as I think of the overflowing blessings and graces I received just by listening to her address us in general. I listened to her and I was comforted, affirmed, strengthened, reminded, loved…

She has allowed God to love others through her. And I thought I had all the time in the world to really, really share in her life.

But all the time in the world ended today…..

Talitha Kumi

 

Mark 5:21-43 tells the story of my currently favourite miracle that Jesus has performed. This is the story that made me see Jesus, really see Him as a person, as one who walked this Earth before us, as one who truly lived. After I read this, I become truly conscious and very eager to read the Gospel because I know I would encounter this beautiful and wonderful Jesus again.

And He is amazing! No wonder we are drawn to Him, from the cradle to the cross, to the cave and to the throne.

Jairus came to Jesus to ask him to heal his sick and dying daughter. On the way, they were met by some people who came to inform Jairus not to trouble the Master any further because his daughter is already dead.

And what did Jesus say to Jairus?

But Jesus ignored what they said and told the official, “Do not fear, just believe.” A favourite sentence which now lingers in my mind every time I become afraid. Jesus telling us, do not fear, just believe – is it not comforting? Isn’t that enough of a security blanket on those cold and fearful nights when you find yourself wondering where the next cent would come?

They laughed at him. But Jesus sent them outside and went with the child’s father and mother and his companions into the room where the child lay. Taking her by the hand, he said to her, “Talitha kumi!” which means: ‘Little girl, get up!” – Mark 5:40-41

And what did the girl do? The 12 year old child got up at once and began to walk around.

Jesus called and despite death, He was heard and the one called responded, not with words, but with action.

Talitha kumi is a favourite phrase now. It reminds me that Jesus calls me every day and it reminds me that I should respond… lovingly respond not just with mere words but with actions.

In God’s Perfect Time

 

Two weeks ago, while rooting on old documents, I found a very old piece of bondpaper with a wildflower taped on its corners.

I smiled when I saw my handwriting. The short note was dated September 3, 2010. That long ago.

I smiled as I looked back on how I started a daily reflective walk back then. My world was in a terrible shape. I was floundering in the dark – professionally, emotionally, spiritually.

If you got to know me as I am now, you probably would not have wanted to get to know the Heaven that I was two years ago. I did not even like myself!

Attached on that whimsical note was a letter written on a yellow pad paper. It was dated November 7, 2010 and it was addressed to God. (It started with Dear God…)

I was asking God why I have an empty feeling in my heat. Why I felt so lost. I mentioned about being so emotional and then being so numb and dead inside.

I told God that I did not understand my self, my life and my world. I asked Him why he denied me the things I have asked from Him. I asked Him if He loves me or not. And to quote one line: “I’m sure You know what I am talking about even if I clearly don’t.”

And then, I asked Him for several things and yes, let me enumerate:

1. OSCYA’s to come forward so that I will have learners in my sessions

2. His presence in my life because I felt so far from Him

3. A new laptop and an internet connection (I had a second-hand laptop back then).

4. A much deeper connection and understanding from/with Him

5. Forgiveness and for Him to make me feel it

6. Emotions because inside I was dead

7. A better life (holier life and self – yep, I wrote that)

8. I asked Him to give me the “strength, the courage, the blessings to continue with this work that I no longer believe in”

9. Assign someone to watch over me and my idiocy and my sinfulness.

And to all 9, He has responded. He gave me Himself, fully, completely. He gave me a community where I can fully share Him and the people who believe and follow Him. It is beautiful how God works. And I did not know He was even working things out like that, so quickly, so drastically, and sometimes so painfully.

Every time I realize and feel His love, that overflowing sense of being so loved utterly and completely and unconditionally, I cry. I always cry. Because it is not normal for me. I took emotions and feelings for granted. I take love and affection for granted. I have learned to protect myself from rejection that I stopped feeling anything… and yes, I even could not feel His love… until He took my blinders.

Jesus is more real to me now. He is not just that hazy figure in history but a friend, a familiar friend I get to experience every morning and evening and yes, every moment of every day of my life. It’s just so beautiful, so overwhelmingly beautiful. Now I can feel how Jesus drew people and is drawing them still now.

And He gave it all to me, in His perfect time.

Like an Avalanche

I have never experienced an avalanche… but I have experienced this.

Yes, I find myself here on my knees again. Caught up in grace like an avalanche. Nothing compares to this love burning in my heart. And no, it’s not my love but His love…setting fire to my soul, creating a new song in my parched heart… A wellspring of love, unending, majestic and consuming love.

A Morning in A Church

 

What will you do if, one morning, while in Church, you find a woman weeping?

You don’t know her. She was probably someone from another town who just happened to require some space from her own thoughts.

She blindly entered your church, sat at the back row. Tears were streaming down her face and she bows down as she tries to hide them with her unkempt shoulder length hair. I wonder, sister, what would you have done?

Would you have gone to her to comfort her? Ask her what’s wrong? Would you have prayed for her, the least and the best thing that you could have done?

Maybe you will just stare at her curiously, wondering who she is, wondering if she will start bawling in church. You may even ask yourself if you should alert the authorities. I mean, who knows, she just might cause havoc in your quiet and peaceful and clean little church.

Or maybe, you might have ignored her, just like them, sitting and chattering about things that don’t really matter… who knows. But if they did just the opposite, they might have saved a flickering candle from completely dying out.

Going Through the Motions

There are no words for this.

Blessed: 2012 in One Word

The year 2012 is marked by many realizations and personal discoveries. It has been sprinkled over with so many experiences that cannot be expressed in mere words. There is, indeed, only one word to describe 2012 for me. Blessed.

It has been a blessed year. And I feel so incredibly blessed and loved by a most magnificent and amazing God. 

In today's readings, one word screamed, yes, screamed at me. Blessings. At first, I really did not feel blessed, but looking back now, seeing what the word really means, yes, I am blessed. 

So for 2013, I would like to start with this passage from the Bible from today's First Reading. God instructed Moses and Aaron on how to bless His people (wow, He even has instructions).

"May the Lord bless you and care of you; May the Lord be kind and gracious to you; May the Lord look on you with favour and give you peace. " - Numbers 6:24-26

Happy New Year everyone.