Grateful

Yesterday, I was reminded of how good life has been to me.

I have a family who would spend several hours preparing for a small, family-only celebration of my 28th year here on earth. I have a community who made me feel how good it is to have real friends and sisters in Christ. I have a rewarding work that does not only satisfy the pocket but the needs of the soul too.

All in all, I have a good life.

It was a bittersweet journey, one of confusion and joy and delight and pain and sadness. I was silenced, I guess. I could not write yesterday.

I was seeing things with eyes that are clouded with tears and a mind that could tell pain and joy apart. So, my heart was confused with all the mixed signals it was getting. I know, I have a good life.

God has been so good to me. But I have not really been good to Him, have I.

Wonderful Savior, You know what is in my heart. You know what I am going through right now. I leave everything to You, today. Do what You will. And open my eyes that I may see You clearly.

Between You and God

Everything is always between me and God and no one else.

For years, I have been trying to live up to the expectations of people around me. My life has become a constant blur in an effort to pursue their ideal.

I have never really stood up for something that I want and I have allowed people's dreams to litter my own landscape every day and every night. I wanted to please everyone - a total and complete opposite of who I was back in my school days when I never really cared about anyone's opinion.

Both extremes are difficult for a person. The heart becomes weary and unhappy. Being unfettered to your desires and that of others is no way to live.

But, failing to meet expectations was a good thing for me. It freed me to see something significant and more important in my life. Actually failing to meet expectations made me realize that I don't have to live up to the expectations of other people.

This is the first time in years that I felt unburdened and untroubled. Why? Because I saw that in the end, everything comes down to this: Everything is always between you and God.

Is what I am doing what God wants me to do? Is this His will for me? How do I know it is His will for me... Walk closely with Him, abide in Him, talk to Him every moment of everyday and He will tell you.

I may have hurt a lot of people in my solitary and sometimes confusing walk in this world. It's not easy to be me with all the confusions and doubts and fears... but, if others fail to understand me, it will still be okay for me. God always knows and understands and His opinion of me is all that matters. And, I know, He will make me understand others too...

Broken Generations

 

The world has coined various labels for its varied and many generations of people. Lumped together to be perfectly categorized into neat boxes, these generations have been born, existed, survived, and died. Some of its members left indelible marks in the annals of history, some faded like mere bubbles, fragments of an imagination that littered the world for a while with people.

But there is one thing common in all humankind… whether referred to as Generation X, Y, Z or whatever pretentious label man comes up with, all of man’s generations have always been broken.

Broken by the stings of an aimless, meaningless existence, stung by the poisons of inexplicable family dynamics, bitten by varied neuroses… Man tried to cope by rationalizing his brokenness. He tried to make excuses for his behavior by blaming others for it. No one was willing to take responsibility of choices that went wrong, decisions that lead only to more pain and hurt. There was always someone or something to blame. A broken man finds it easy to expose the chink in a fellows armor than deal with his own broken shield.

We are a broken generation. We are a broken people. And we try to heal our brokenness by covering it up with more broken armors and fragments of the self we could have been.

What glues us together are the very same things that broke us apart. The tiny pieces of ourselves have been cast away or were lost, and we believe that we can no longer find those pieces anymore.

But we don’t need those pieces. We do not need to hang on to the tattered rags we are wearing.

Someone out there sees our brokenness for what it is.But, since He crafted us in the first place, He knows that these broken chunks need to be broken, so that the beautiful masterpieces would come out.

We are a broken generation with scraped elbows, and bruised knees and we can turn to the Great Physician to heal our brokenness.

We are a broken people who can be mended by a great God.

Loving Thy Neighbor

 

I was asked to talk about this particular topic in an SFC Christian Life Program in a neighboring chapter. My first thought, to be honest, was Why Me? and then Okay… and then, I decided to set it aside.

However, now that the talk is drawing quite near, I started wondering why I was asked to give the said talk because hey, I do not know what that topic really means. Really. My college school mates once accused me of not knowing how to relate to other people because I read too much. You do not read people in the same way that you read books.And my own mother once remarked that she already pities my future husband (if I ever get married) because I was so cold-blooded and aloof. Even an acquaintance once remarked how distant I really am with them – that I am surrounded by brick walls, all over… brick walls that are 12 feet high, and 10 feet thick. It was a joke, but I guess jokes are often half-truths.

And deep inside, beneath the façade, is really this dead person walking – because if this dead person could feel, she would be crying, and groaning day and night… but since I only started crying after I joined the SFC, I guess I am not used to letting my guard down.

I do know that the 10 commandments can be summarized into two : Love the Lord your God with all your strength, with all your mind and with all your heart and love your neighbors as you love yourself.

Whew. Simple words and reminders for every Christian but… I haven’t even gotten close to loving God with all my strength, heart and mind and now, I am being asked to answer to the 2nd command Jesus left His disciples.

I always thought that a Christian’s curriculum is somewhat similar to that of the formal school but I guess Christ’s operates in a similar manner as the alternative learning system – He meets the learner’s needs first. (Well, that is indeed another way of putting it)

Oremus pro invicem (Let Us Pray for one Another)

 

C.S. Lewis often ends his letters to his friends in this manner… (don’t ask me for details, I have not yet finished the book edited by Paul F. Ford, Yours, Jack : Spiritual Direction from C.S. Lewis.

And I would never have understood what that meant' if I was not brought into the CFC-Singles for Christ. Prayer is a tricky matter to me. God blessed me with the gift of writing. The English language is a wonderful tool of expression for me. But when it comes to prayer, I am often at a loss, out of words.

Of course I know the prayers taught during or Catechesis in school but I never seriously considered a different aspect of prayer… prayer is talking to God… prayer is being with our Father… Even until now, prayer is a challenge for me.

I never really prayer for others. I did not know how. And then, when I pray, I often wonder if my sincere in my prayers, if my heart is in it.

But somehow, I was blessed with a new view of prayer – praying for others. I used to wonder why we are urged to “pray for one another” and what’s the use. Only later did I learn what praying for one another means. You can only pray for others when others have opened themselves up so that you can pray for them. You can only pray for others when you feel that stirring of the Spirit, that desire to comfort and offer comfort and you know, that you can only help by praying for that other person. Your own struggles are set aside and you pray for peace and comfort for this other person. You see God’s grace at work in another’s life and you are filled with so much hope that He does the same for you.

Sometimes, we are just too closed to our own realities that we cannot see God’s hands in everything we do. But, by opening up to my sisters in the SFC during our household meetings, I have learned to be vulnerable, I have learned to lay down my worries and ask them to pray for me and I let them lay down their worries so that I can pray for them as well.

Praying for one another is very important and I often wonder how God has designed everything in our live’s that makes communion with other believers a very life-altering experience for someone who never really went out of her shell.

Confessions of A Procrastinator

 

I procrastinate. I usually rationalize procrastinating.

For instance, when I have work to do, I always find reasons why I cannot do them immediately. One, I don’t know enough about it (so I need time to research and all that) . Two, I have other things I have to do first (and then end up not doing them as well because I am bothered with this pending task I must do but did not do). Three, this task is not in my schedule!!! (so I end up rearranging my schedule until deadline). Fourth, I need a break (and out came my mobile phone with its fancy epub reader), I can do it tomorrow anyway.

Oftentimes, I would get hook with reading, researching, resting, and prioritizing or scheduling, and reading and resting and the cycle goes on and on and voila… deadline’s tomorrow…

I shut out all questions, confusions, set aside the mobile phone, throw away the calendars, and the planners and the never ending list of things to do and focus…

After about twenty minutes (if its’ just a report), or about two hours (if it’s a very lengthy and complicated report)… all done! And I am amazed at how quickly it was done… last minute creativity.

But really, it makes me feel awful because it means I never had the time to check my final output… the perfectionist defeated by time.

The need to take charge and be in control of everything I do makes me procrastinate. I want to be sure. Since I am not sure, I had to hold back and wait for the perfect time. But then, the perfect time may never come so I should just….

 

And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew, he also predestine to be conformed to the likeness of his Son. – Romans 8:28

What Do I Live For?

If my soul can sing right now, in the pit and the mire where it's at... this is just the song it would be playing...