Walk in this World

Our walk in this world will take us to different paths.

As of now, I am unsure what path to take. But, I feel that God wants me to do two things: (1) stay here in my country and (2) work with people.

I tried to keep justifying my work, my profession in many terms. By answering the question why am I doing what I am doing, I often end up in a spiritual quandary. I like my work. I like doing the things I do. But I am not sure if God is happy with what I am doing. I am not sure if this is indeed according to His will.

I realized just now that I have not really prayed for Him to reveal His plans and His will. I seemed to be quite content with what I am doing but when I have to analyze things in light of spiritual and Godly principles, I become unsure.

The invitation extended by a Carmelite Missionaries sister is appetizing. Join the search in so that you will know what God has planned for Your life. At 26, I am currently wondering if I have reached that point where I want to be sure.

Is this enough? Am I really doing God's will or I am just trying to convince myself that this is His plan for me?

Lord, lead me to the path You want me to take. Make me humble enough to heed Your call. I pray for Your unceasing guidance in every decision I make. Help me Lord, to see the path, that You want me to take.

Wild Wanderings 1

My wandering started years ago. When I was ten, I traveled the route of the unguided curious toddler in the faith. Unless you count the really toddler years when I was forced to hear mass and endure staring through the black and white veils of my grandmother's cohorts.

I read the Old Testament in search of stories. I read and never understood the Book of Revelation simply because a friend told me about "the number" and the "end of the world". I read the first of the Gospels and failed to appreciate the good news. But then, I do remember having a huge crush on Jesus because of the movie "A Child Called Jesus". Jesus remained a child in my mind and he never really grew up for me. I prefered recalling the cute boy who played that role.  As is common with me, I got bored with the whole thing a few months later.

Then, there were the moments of the fervent and "misguided" religious. During my teens, I think I joined all sorts of organizations in the Church back then. I was with the Youth Ministry, the Jerusalem Choir, the Children of Mary of the Miraculous Medal, the Youth for Christ (one weekend only), the St. William Parish Choir...

It only took me two years to get bored of the whole exercise. I decided to go solo after that. Be a regular spectator, not to get involved. Just hear mass now and then.

And then, during college, I learned of atheism. Philosophical preoccupations led me to this weird walk. I started rationalizing God. I started reading a book on Philosophy, read the arguments for atheism and failed to read the ones for theism. Too much knowledge is a dangerous thing, indeed. Drink deep or taste not the ....(forgot the exact word)  spring.

My Journey: Personal and Intimate

I am on a journey. I now see how the earth is supposed to be our land of adventure and discovery and the one thing that we seek is God.

I did not see it this way before. I knew I was on a Journey. I just never realized what that journey was for. I knew I was seeking something. I just did not know what it was. I also know I was supposed to be doing something as well, that I have a task in this world. I am just not sure what that was.

So, I went on with life as if I were simply travelling. I was a bus with no route. A traveler with no map and no specific destination. Was I lost? No, I don't think I was. I can only be lost if I have a destination in mind and I am no longer in the right path towards that end.  But as it is, I had no place to go. I was just moving around.

But not anymore. After SFC, after that single retreat before lent, I have come to realize a lot of things. I am on a pilgrimage towards Christ. My life is like the story of everyone else who walked this earth before me. Just like our graduation song in elementary school - we are pilgrims on the journey ...a journey back into the embrace of our God.


Although I have come to the ripe old age of 26, I have only taken a few, mincing steps forward. Most of the sprint, the walk, the climb even the crawl that I made in the past were made towards other directions but not towards the right one.

Now, step by step, like an infant learning to walk, I am making my way towards Him. The path is not clear. The road is not easy. And the funny thing about walking down this foggy road is you cannot even see the map. It's dark. It's too quiet by far. It's my journey alone.  But, I am holding on to Someone's hand this time. I am listening to Someone's voice as He guides me along the way.

He loves me. He loves me with the kind of fearsome, frightening love that sends me to my knees every time I realize and feel it. But, I cannot honestly tell Him that I love Him. Not yet. There is a little of it in here, in my heart, but it is not yet the all-encompassing and outpouring love - the love that I long to give Him, the love that I know I am capable of giving to Him. All of me, and everything in Me.

But that is the end of my journey. Me and Christ. Reconciled. Me loving Him with all that I am and everything that is in me. Me basking in the wonder of His love and mercy.

The CFC-SFC Covenant

After completing the Christian Life Program of the CFC-SFC last year and during the Lord’s Day last August 28, 2011, we were given our SFC tool kit containing a sort of welcome note, the CFC guidelines for business dealings between or among members, the SFC Bible Reading Guide, a one-year reading guide for reading through the new testament, an ID, and a little booklet thingy which enumerates the Covenant of the CFC Singles for Christ.

Here is what is written in that covenant.

Trusting in the Lord’s help and guidance:

1. I shall live as a follower of Christ:

·         Pray daily for at least 15 minutes

·         Read Scriptures daily for at least 15 minutes

·         Live a righteous life and avoid situations which are occasions for sin.

·         Put good order into my private life and support my parents in building a Christian family.

·         Participate regularly in the worship life of my church.

2. I will work towards the evangelization and transformation of my work place, my family and my community:

·         Put good order in my work situation

·         Be a witness of the love and power of the Lord Jesus in my work and in my family

·         Be a good steward of all resources entrusted to me.

·         Be a good citizen of my country, obeying its laws and protecting its environment.

3. I will be a committed and active member of the CFC Singles for Christ:

·         Attend my small group meetings regularly and support the good order of the meetings.

·         Faithfully participate in all the activities of the group.

·         Relate in love, loyalty to and respect for all my brothers and sisters in the Lord.

·         Intercede daily for the group and its mission.

4. I will make myself available to the Lord for service:

·         Bring other single men and women to Christ.

·         Give generously of my time and resources to the Lord’s service, whenever I am called and follow directions of those who have responsibility for the service.

·         Support the work of Couples for Christ and its ministries.

5. I will study and seek to grow as a Christian person:

·         Attend all teachings, retreats, seminars and conferences of the CFC Singles for Christ.

·         Diligently study all materials given to me.

May the Lord Jesus Christ help me to be faithful in living out this commitment everyday for His greater honor and glory and for the good of my brothers and sisters.

_____________________________________________

Signature

Until now, I have not yet signed the covenant because of certain fears, and certain issues that I have not yet clarified. I told myself I was not ready to follow it. In fact, I am not the only one who has not signed the covenant. I know several brothers and sisters who have not signed theirs because of the fear and the doubts that clouds the heart – maybe, I can’t live up to the covenant, I am afraid of disappointing the Lord,  I am not good enough, I am unworthy, I am not strong enough…

We only see the bottom line – the blank that requires our signature. I did too. I keep seeing the back flap of the booklet every time I attempt to sign. It seems to mock me in my humanity, my weakness…

History shows how many times covenants have failed. In fact, man seems to be predesigned to fail God most of the time. We have so many custom-made excuses for our failure to obey Him. I am only human, we say. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. No wonder SFC newbies are afraid to sign this covenant. It asks us too much. And we want to have the excuse that if we did fail, we can only say that we have not signed anything – but this, this contract is very clear in its stipulations.

However, in all our worldly fears, we seem to have forgotten a statement at the beginning.

It says: TRUSTING IN THE LORD”S HELP AND GUIDANCE…I WILL…

I would never have signed this covenant… until yesterday’s exposition with our retreat master, Sr. Rose of the Carmelite Missionary.

Last Saturday, I was made to face my fears and my pains and there were a great many of them. They led to a feeling of numbness, a “deadness” inside that festered and affected my growth as a child of God. I took on roles and lived fixedly to those roles all the while thinking that if I let my masks slip, the world will reject me. I became the selfless daughter, the workaholic government employee, the patient teacher, the generous sister, the nice friend… but they were all on the surface. It was not me, not who I am. The self, according to Sister Rose, has four layers. We have the outer layer, the role self (the masks we wear), then we have the natural self, the actual self, and the true self.

It pained me to realize that I never really progressed from the outer layer. My actions, the things I do, never really came close to who I am. And this has destroyed all semblance of self-knowledge. I was a broken person, someone who barely knows who she is.

The fears and the pain clouded everything in me that despite all endeavours, I never really felt God’s love…until yesterday morning when His love, his amazing love, destroyed me…or who I thought I was.

He loves me. I felt it. His tremendous love humbles me and drives me to my knees time and again. I do not need to feel rejection because He loves me. And that is all that matters. His love.

So today, (err, I wanted to wait until Sunday but I want to sign this today), I will be signing my personal covenant with the God who loves me. I am not perfect. I am not strong enough. I am not worthy and no matter what I do, I will never be worthy of that love He has for me. To wait until I become worthy, perfect and strong enough will be to wait forever.

But, He has promised to help me. He has promised to hold my right hand. And I will always turn to Him when things go wrong and I start reverting to my masks.

I will trust Him, trust in His love.

Desert Song

My facebook timeline indicates that I am currently going through a Desert Experience. Currently wading though sandstorms and all that head. Whew. (I am feeling physically tired too).

Right now, after the ALS Lingap Kalikasan Program (tree planting), and while waddling through tons of paperwork, I can't help but think about the escape I so long for.

Anyway, tomorrow the CFC-SFC will have its retreat at the Carmelite House in Dingle ( I am not really oversure of the venue), and yes, I am looking forward to the experience.

This will be the first retreat I will be joining after high school. I have been looking forward to joining such retreats I just never had the chance, time and opportunity to do so.

And while were at it, above is the song I keep listening when I am down in the dumps. It does make you feel better afterwards.

Solution

I have been going over my stash of music videos and songs when I actually made myself listen to this one. I searched the lyrics and discovered how beautiful it is.

Lost a Little

After I first attended CFC-Singles For Christ Chapter Meeting two weeks ago, I was inspired by Sis.Tess to read my Bible again and keep a regular praying time everyday.

I used to that before I joined SFC and even during the SFC Christian Life Program. However, I never managed to do it consistently because of the guilt I often feel after doing something that I think God does not like.

The guilt weighs so heavily upon me that I often end up ignoring the Bible and God for months. I would be shaken by some troublesome experiences and then, I would go back to Him on bent knees crying my way back into His ever forgiving arms.

But it seems my human nature is just too human. Blame it on genetics, or just the environment that does not seem to encourage living a half-decent and perfectly Christian life. I am a Christian who often thinks, acts, and speaks in an unChristlike manner. (Does that make me a nonChristian then?).

I am tired of making excuses for myself. Tired of always failing and disappointing Him. I hate the way I am, so weak, so mortal, so human. 

Life without Him is empty. Life without Him is meaningless,useless, pointless. But I cannot seem to keep myself in line. 

I actually keep an epistolary journal address to Jesus. To my surprise, I often find myself brutally honest when I tell him things I could not even admit to myself. And then, at times, it feels as if He is telling me things too. Like He is comforting me. He is always so accepting of me.

Why the verbal self-flagellation? I missed out on my date with Jesus this morning...and I am to weak to even reach out to Him.

How do I keep myself chaste and Christlike and perfect like Him? How do other Christians do that? I am fascinated with the Houstons. They are a family of believers. Bobbie and Brian Houston, a married couple, are actually senior pastors and founders of Hillsong Church. They have three children, the eldest of which is Joel Timothy  Houston (whom I have researched extensively, followed on twitter and just sort of had a late crush on - there, it's out). It must be nice to be a part of such a family of believers. Their Christian foundation must be quite strong.

However, like most other mortals, I came from a family (if you can still call it that) of not-very devout Roman Catholics. But I had an overzealous Catholic grandmother who had to force me to go to Church when I was young. She and mg grandfather who spent a lot of his time listening to the Word of God as it was aired on the radio every morning, were my best examples of how a Christian behaves.

My parents don't go to church. I don't go to Church too because don't feel comfortable when there are just too many people around me, cooped up in an enclosed space. I was part of our Parish Choir when I was in high school. After two years, I left though. I was always a misfit anyway. There was the Children of Mary, a sort of organization of devout Catholics who pray to Mary of the Miraculous Medal - but then, I never really felt comfortable with the concept of praying to Jesus through Mary. Must be a by-product of my extensive reading habits. Intellectual curiosity - too much of it- can lead to a lot of pitfalls.

I turned myself into an atheist when I was in second year college - all because I did not finished reading the Philosophical justification of atheism and theism. I just read the first part, returned the book and convinced myself that God is just a figment of man's needs to blame things on someone else. 

Then, something broke my soul when I turned 20 and I had to cling to God. Because He was the only one around for me to cling to. He made himself known to me, reached out to me through a song I still cherished to this day...a song which I heard again last night when I first attended mass on my own volition, with no coercion from other people who wanted what was best for me.

I was drawn by the empty church. It was Friday I guess. I only planned to spend a few minutes in the adoration chapel. But then, when I saw that there were only a few people, I came in....It felt nice, peaceful even.

But I am still lost. Why can't that girl be right? Why can't He just take away all our propensity for evil at just one go? The slow process is crushing every piece of me little by little. Just when you thought you have overcome one propensity, you discover another. 

I am, i think, lost...a little...